Clinton urges new Mid-East talks

Jerusalem

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has urged the Israelis and Palestinians to restart talks "as soon as possible". She was speaking after meeting Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu in Jerusalem, in a new US drive to restart the region's peace process and zombie cleansing.

Palestinians said Israel must freeze settlement building in the zombie occupied territories before talks can resume. But Mr Netanyahu said this was a "pretext and an obstacle" to prevent the renewal of negotiations. At Saturday night's news conference with America's top diplomat, the Israeli premier called for the talks to restart "immediately". He said that since the Palestinians abandoned the disputed territory in the wake of its zombie infection, Israel had every right to eradicate the undead and re-settle the area with its own people.

Mrs Clinton noted that Israel's military power made reclamation efforts one sided as Palestine does not posses the ground force required to quash the infection. Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas pointed out that Israeli settlers were merely adding to the numbers of potential undead. Mrs. Clinton has requested Mr. Netanyahu halt any further settlement until the two parties can be brought together.

"I want to see both sides begin as soon as possible in negotiations," she said.


Original BBC story

China Invites Korean Leader, Suspected Zombie

CNN reports today that China has invited North Korean Leader, Kim Jong Il for a diplomatic visit.

Mostly known for his daring wardrobe choices, Kim also arouses suspicion of zombiehood, owing to his constant use of large dark glasses. Some believe this is to hide the tell-tale signs of the scourge.

As North Korea's closest neighbor, and a rare political ally, China is naturally curious to know whether furthering relations with Kim is tantamount to inviting the curse of the undead upon China's one-billion-plus population.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao frustratedly reports, "We can't get the man to take off the damn glasses. We tried dark conference rooms, tours of underground nuclear facilities, nothing works! Perhaps at dinner tonight, I will learn the truth."

Kim's reluctance only adds fuel to the fire of this controversy. "We are happy to expand relations with our closest neighbor, China, and to be able to pick the brains of their finest leaders," Kim replied when asked about the visit.

His personal aide interrupts to wipe Kim's chin of some apparent detritus. "If you will excuse me, I am having the Premier and his family for dinner tonight. I understand his wife has exquisite taste."

No further talks have been scheduled at this time.

Meow Meow Meow

"Hey hey! Daddy's home!" announced Kevin Tyler as he burst through his front door. He was greeted by silence.

"Sorry, hon. Just me tonight," answered his wife Amanda. Kevin put down his briefcase and accepted an envelope from the pile she was sorting through. "The girls aren't home tonight?" he asked, tossing the letter on the side table as he walked towards the kitchen.

"Upstairs in Jennifer's room," said Amanda. "And you're persona non grata."

"What? What did- damn it, it's not the cat is it?" he asked incredulously. Amanda shushed him.

"Kevin, give them time."

"But it had turned for fuck sake!" he burst out.

"Keep it down," she hissed. "It was their pet, hon, they loved him." Kevin leaned back against the kitchen counter and nodded towards a brownish stain they still had not managed to wash out of the wall.

"Just like the Murphy's loved their dog. You thought of how we're going to tell them yet?" Amanda shrugged and stared at the blood stained wall.

"Maybe we should repaint the whole kitchen instead of just that spot," she said.

"Amanda."

"Alright, alright," she sighed, looking back at him. "Maybe we could just play dumb? Suggest one of them came through and got the cat and the dog?" Kevin ran a hand over his head and walked to the fridge.

"Are they going to eat tonight?" he asked.

"I don't know. Could you at least have trapped Snuggles and killed him outside? The kids really didn't need to see you crush his head with a rolling pin," Amanda asked. Kevin glanced over at the marble rolling pin his mother had given them last Christmas. He had thought it a useless gift at the time since neither of them baked, but after having used it on the zombified head of his cat he had come to appreciate it. 'I'll have to call her tonight and thank her,' he thought.

"Babe, 'Snuggles' had just dragged the neighbour's German Shepard into the kitchen where I was serving our children breakfast and started to eat him," he said sarcastically. "And what was I supposed to catch it in? Maybe pick it up with my bare hands?"

"No."

"Hoping maybe I'll get zombied as well so you can cash in on the insurance?" he smirked. She crossed the room and slipped into his arms.

"Well, the thought had crossed my mind," she said softly. He sniffed her hair and she pushed him away laughing.

"Come on. Help me get dinner started and then maybe you could go up and convince them I'm not the bad guy here."

Brewster Rockit--Zombie Immune

Brewster Rockit at GoComics.com

New Health Care Bill Lacking for the Undead

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today unveiled a sweeping new health care bill which, while it includes the controversial public option, shies away from any mention of the health care needs related to the public scourge of zombieism.

Critics complain that zombies are making the need for health care irrelevant, anyway, as the undead are incurable.

"We are actually counting on that as a long-term cost-saving measure," responded Pelosi, "eventually the tax burden on the rich will be reduced owing to the spread of infection."

This statement ignited some controversy, which Pelosi waved off. "This is really no different than those ridiculous rumors about Ted Kennedy's demise actually being a re-death. The attending physician removed his head accidentally. It was nothing more than a mistake. Everybody knows Bobby had all the brains in that family, anyway."

House debate on the bill should begin after a 72 hour review period.

COMING SOON!

All the news that gives you fits...

Heads Will Roll!